Reality

In reality, having a life threatening illness is nothing like those sweet movies about people dying, surrounded by their loved ones, treated with respect & dignity, having heartfelt communications to leave behind and take with. Other people's illness and potential death does not, in my opinion, bring out the best in people. It brings out a lot of other stuff instead. Their own fear or denial of death for one thing. Some people (too many) treat me like I'm on my way out but pretend that's not what they're thinking. It's clear anyway, by the other things they say and do. I keep trying to find where the expiration date is stamped that everyone else can see except me.

Whether I'm actually dying or not, I'm constantly treated as if I'm on my way out, what a shame, how sad, glad it's not me. When my color looks good because I got enough rest they are surprised and consider it an anomaly that will pass. I think I get why sick people get into a bad mood or feel angry.

Here's a good one: "well, at least you've lived your life, it's not as if you're young."
Well crap, there's that expiration date again, which by the way, is around 50 for women, ill or not. After 50, you've "lived your life already." If you're over 50, and ill, and broke, well then, you're like a stock whose value has plummeted. Maybe that's applied to men also, unless they have a lot of financial assets, which brings anyones value, way up. How much is a human beings life worth by itself ? Not much.

When people know you're sick, a lot of people use a syrupy tone as if you are also mentally disabled. If they know that you are broke as well, they look right through you with a bit of disgust on their face, as if to say, how dare you exist. You need to exit, stage left, and quit screwing up the Orwellian scenery.

I bet all people who have or had a potentially lethal illness could write an editorial on all the truly thoughtless things people say and do. But all is lovely, lovely, just peachy keen. Its impolite to talk about anything that's not. I think I'll live just to piss people off who are holding their breath. I have a few more things I have to do while here anyway. As my father would've flatly advised: "screw them if they can't take a joke."

What's not a joke is that if I become too ill to fully care for myself; cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, errands etc, I will be shipped to the nearest county-run convalescent hospital, where of course, I won't be convalescing. That's the last thing I want, to die in some horrible place. But then again. I guess that's what a lot of people wanted and didn't get, so I won't bother to feel singled out. In any case, I know where Im going, and I know Brad will be waiting for me. That has to be good enough.

I still know that I could survive this cancer but I am often told that I should hurry up and die, because I can no longer earn enough money, and therefore have no useful value. No one helps me to research cancer treatments or is willing to learn anything about it. I am often ridiculed for my choice not to accept the traditional poisonous treatments. I'm an emotionally strong person but it's a crap shoot whether I will be able to survive all of the factors against me at the same time. I pray every day for strength, that's what keeps me going. When I am betrayed, I think to myself, many have been betrayed. That's the way of the world.

For the past 16 months or so I have had 2 roommate residences, 2 live-in work exchange residences, and one truly horrible stay at an extended relatives home. I left each one when the abuse became intolerable. People have asked who I'm leaving my car to, extended offers to "store my things" (presumably to save me the monthly storage rental fee) ... requested my healthcare power of attorney signed in their name. My personal things have been gone through and stolen at whim. I have been told at every turn that I am going to die, that my value as a human being is very little if it exists at all.

Whatever mistakes I've made, I paid for them all when Brad died. Maybe that's good.

Cachexia

I'm think I'm having periods of wasting now. A fever in the last 3 days and a 3 pound weight loss. I have relative company from out of town which is causing a lot of stress.

Sunday June 16, 2012

The light fever stopped and I'm feeling quite a bit better. Sometimes I don't know whether I'm dying or having a healing crisis. I read about cachexia and added a few things to my diet.. one was Spirulena, that fun green algae that tastes as good as it looks. I tried to get Brad to drink it and he said he'd rather die. Just kidding...but he did look at me like I was out of my mind after he tasted it.

Cachexia can also be caused by parasitic infection and I had a serious parasite problem in recent prior months. Its not something that's completely eliminated all at once, so I'm continuing to run Rife frequencies and some anti-parasite supplements. When the parasites die they are eliminated and you can see them, you can even look them up by shape and description, fun fun. !

Still pissed

I'm having a hard time getting everything done in one day that I need to do. Invariably there are too many things that just don't get done. I keep a constant to-do list and refer to it often. Sometimes I'm so tired I write down things like "take a shower and get dressed." I have a juicer but there is no way that's going to happen. All the mechanics of juicing involve multiple stages of labor that take a lot of time. I've given up on normal meals and mainly do Budwig yogurt and instant green drinks. The time it takes to go to the store & back, carry groceries, unload them, put them away, preparation and then clean-up, is just not available. As it is I get up about 7 am or earlier and get to bed about 11 pm. I sleep very well however and am always relived to finally have nothing to do.

This is an enormous task to take on alone and I don't recommend doing it that way. All the advice forums say to have a partner to help. I see now what they mean. I understand the basic physical mechanics of cancer and the risks inherent in getting rid of it. No matter how it's done, the same dangers exist in maintaining the body's ability to process the deluge and prevent further damage. I'm having some success but I'm also understanding how fast my body systems could get overwhelmed.

Some of my relatives response to hearing that I have cancer was like this:  "Don't you think you should do something about that?" ..Meaning, I presume, to get on with becoming a "brave" cancer patient while getting poisoned burned and chopped. Ya I keep looking for my pink ribbon but for some reason it's not here anywhere. Geezus. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the pure indoctrinated stupidity of our culture. I'm not dying of cancer. I'm starving for the company of intelligent people.

I always had a thing for that movie "Night of The Living Dead".. When I saw it back in the 70's I thought, wow, thats' a perfect (analogy?) for our little civilization here. The living dead, otherwise known as sleepwalkers, people who appear to have had a sensory lobotomy. I was also impressed by "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" and George Orwell's 1984. Anyway. I know. My positive thinking hat's not on. HehHeh. Maybe I'm just pissed off about having to wade through the sea of morons called the general population for the last 55 years.

The medically indigent "care" I qualify to receive from the State of California is called chop, poison, radiate, then die looking very damn ugly.... ya sure can't wait to have that, where do I run to sign up? I love the thought of being tortured and dying in ugly agony in order to support the medical investment community. I adore the thought of being drugged out of my mind in my final weeks or months of life.

Ok so I have a "bad attitude"..  But I'll be damned if I'll die supporting a system that needs to be abolished. Those assholes are killing us with their "treatment" so that corporations can profit. The next jackass who looks at me like I'm 5150 because I don't want medical care that will torture, maime and kill me should go through the AMA treatment process with a cancer patient. That way they might have an informed opinion coming out of their mouth versus a stream of unconscious garbage that is stunning in it's lack of any real knowledge.

Natural medicine removed cancer from a 2 year old boy
Tommy Chong treating prostrate cancer with natural medicine
BX Anti-Toxin for cancer treatment
Boy with 11 tumors sent home to die survives after alternative therapy : Connah Broom 2009
Connah Broom  : 2011
Budwig Protocol Testimonials

There are MANY more like the links above.

A facebook friend posted this pic and I had to re-post it here. So perfect for the AMA.

Don't you just love the word Twats ? It reminds me of being 13 years old, a great age. We thought that word was so funny. 

Rife frequencies and pissed offness

The Rife frequencies do have some positive effects. The lymphedema is under control, not getting worse, skin integrity on that arm is very good and showing no signs of infection.  There are also some sine frequencies that are healing and calming, very useful. I didn't get the manual with the machine because it was another $130.00 and I thought I could use online references instead. But now it's coming in the mail, a gift from my mother in Missouri. I'll be glad to get it. I think the Rife machines should always include the manual with the purchase. That would be very sensible.

Some things are improving but my overall health is declining and I feel my body weakening. I'm feeling less and less interested in the outside world and it's events. I was always a sociologist at heart so I still pay attention and think about world events and social behavior. But I feel resignation setting in.

There is one goal left that still motivates my interest.. I still have the desire to recover my community property and the assets that were supposed to transfer to me upon my husband's death in 2007. Brad's Yahoo shares alone were said to be worth 24 million. Sounds unbelievable, yes I know that. You'd have to know Brad, who his extended family are, and the history of his true investment background to know it's true.

I don't like being ridiculed and disregarded for speaking the truth, but as it turns out I'm still in good company on that one: 5 Famous Scientists Dismissed As Morons in Their Time . Not to say I rate their positions, I'm not a scientist or famous. But the point is, the truth is often discounted and people who speak the truth are often ridiculed.

When Brad died I received nothing. His life insurance, retirement funds, all his real estate and corporate investments were collected by his relatives who had started the process of relieving him of his assets right after we got married and in far more extensive increments after he got sick. Many of those assets had me listed as beneficiary. No problem, they just did what they've been doing for years; false identities, phony notarizations, trusts set up that I can't touch and don't even know the location of. One of the family attorneys befriended me on Facebook so that he could snoop on me; Justin Shrenger of Los Angeles. From my research and what I've seen in public records it looks very much as if Justin is the attorney who helped Brad's relatives set up the phony trusts and property transfers after Brad died.

I believe to this day my in-laws are still holding, transferring, investing our/my property for their personal use. Of course, it is horrendous and sounds unbelievable. And, there is nothing I can do about it without cultural power or money. I have neither. I have words, that's all. I can say what happened. And since I'm probably going to die without adequate healthcare I feel it is right to keep speaking what is true on my way out. That's what I have left, the truth. If I am judged for this so be it.

Whatever friends I had left in 2007 when Brad died quickly dissipated to none after I was left with nothing and sick with grief and cancer on top of that. When I (rarely) express how I feel about what happened to us I am informed that I am bitter and negative. Well crap it's not as if I went postal on those bastards that ripped us off. Some idiots have no idea of what bitter and negative is. They just know what your useful value is to them, which is zero when you have nothing to take or get. That's the way of the world. If I sound pissed well excuse the crap out of me. Im busy trying to figure out if human life has any true inherent value at all.

The cleansing protocols cause emotional cleansing as well as physical. I know that's happening. I may have some even more "negative" things to say on my way out of this crappy war mongering money grubbing world. As far as I can tell human beings have been shitting on each other since time began. Dying is probably like leaving for a vacation in Tahiti.

These are some of the public records for one of the first properties my husband invested in. Not just the condo. The entire development it sits in. My husband was a wealthy man on paper. This is the property I first got the loan records on while Brad was still alive. When he saw all the loans and transfers of ownership his trustee had on this property he was shocked and angry. As an explanation, his mother told him she had a gambling problem and couldn't help herself. After that confrontation, the rip-off didn't decrease, it accelerated.

Jesikamay PDF : 2218 Camilar
https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B5CIcurmLCm2Ni0wRXZzX0xPM28
This was my husband's property. Period. All those loans and sketchy transfers/sales took place without his consent. And P.S. I was Brad's first love and the only woman he ever married...he would NEVER in a million years have left me penniless and homeless. And that's what pisses me off the most...that what his relatives did makes it look like he abandoned me. Their actions dishonored him, his wife, and even his memory.

Arlene Kennaley advised me (on the phone in 2009) regarding how "dangerous" it was to continue investigating the 2218 Camilar property.  She kept saying "You don't understand what kind of people you're investigating", then called back three times the same afternoon to keep warning me. (Her son is Roy Koyama, one of the "buyers" for 2218 Camilar.)  Um ya right, I know perfectly well what I'm investigating. What? Are they going to kill me? Oh excuse me while I laugh my ass off. They already killed me. What they have now is an infuriated widow with nothing left to lose and a permanent target called "the bastards who ripped us off." If I wasn't a believer in the one and only living God, they'd be the ones who should be afraid. No Arlene, you have that wrong. YOU don't know who you're dealing with.

I might as well share this one again as well: my husband's family have been involved in organized crime for decades. That's one very pertinent reason why I haven't been able to get legal help. What I get are legal secretaries who review my records and get wide-eyed with outright fear and apprehension. Then they advise me to consider acting in a way that won't get me murdered. very goddamn funny.

I didn't know about Brad's family being immersed in criminal activity until after he died. I read journals he had kept in younger years and had time to reflect on the things he had said. When we were young he used to ask me to leave the country with him, just disappear he would say. After we were older and married, he said to me "at least you got away" referring to my leaving him when we were younger. I didn't know what he meant and he wouldn't explain. I wish I had known.

I'm not afraid of organized crime even though I have personally listened to grown men come close to crying on the phone begging me not to involve them. (Peter Braun) Powerful wealthy men. Hmph.. Spineless morons who sold their soul for more money and power.. tough for them. Even though I have been threatened, warned and watched for years I still sleep soundly. Bet those polished up international corporate crook creeps can't claim the same.

Well that was a long vent heh heh. I'm pretty sure no one even gets this far down the page into my rant so maybe I'll start making a habit of saying exactly whatever I want to say. What am I risking that I haven't already lost. Nothing. And I am already primarily maligned as delusional in this regard so there is no one to impress or not impress. The people who know it's true make distance quickly. What the hell is so frightening? They might lose their life or their money? Well guess what we are all going to lose those two things eventually. I'm disgusted with people's morals. There is no sense of honor left for the great majority. If I wasn't leaving my children behind I'd be glad to get the hell off this crappy planet that is infested with human beings who have the 'sold-their-soul' disease.

And while I'm still in this heinous mood I might as well add my closing comment... Here it is heh heh: People of Planet Earth, you are pathetic in your inability to stand up. You are so afraid of discomfort that you cower up to any hand that will feed you. You stand by idly while corporations destroy your habitat, you watch while your neighbor's property is seized, you look the other way when they are raped and imprisoned. Lose your money. Lose your home. Lose your loved ones. But dumbasses, what you need at the end is your intact honor.

Rife Frequency treatment for Lymphedema

I've been using a lymph program on the rife machine that takes 10 minutes. It has the effect of reducing the swelling in my arm by about 25%, and softens the swollen tissues which have a tendency to become hard. (hardening is a bad development) It also increased the range of motion in that arm by about 70% (which is nice because it was getting difficult to braid my hair or floss) and reduced my pain and discomfort by at least 50%. The effect was noticeable the first day I ran the program. I feel very encouraged by the result.

I worry about infection in that arm because that event would force me to go to the hospital which is a place I don't want to be anywhere near. I've managed that aspect to date by careful observation and immediate action when signs of potential problems appear. Immediate action includes simple things like resting and elevating my arm, drinking more water, potassium soup, and green drinks. I also use the DPL light therapy daily which is supposed to break down the protein in the lymph, thinning it and therefore allowing the fluid better natural movement. (I think I have that right) It seems to me that the Rife lymph frequency program also reduces redness and irritation, so I hope that means it reduces the chance of infection also.

I stick around the house a lot and avoid germy places. For general frequent cleaning of most-used surfaces, I keep a spray bottle of water with white vinegar in it. I don't always wear gloves when I wash dishes (I like the warm water) but always wear gloves around plants and dirt. I'm active and touch a lot of things so I wash my hands a lot but that does cause issues with dryness and irritation. Not sure what the remedy is for that, I use organic sunflower oil for moisturizer since it's a Budwig diet approved oil. It's said "don't put anything on your skin that you wouldn't eat" because essentially you are ingesting that through your skin.

In The Tree

Rife Frequencies & Kombucha Tea

Sunday May 6, 2012

I've been using the Rife frequency machine for about 2 weeks now. It really is amazing. I have to remind myself that it's not a new toy since I have a tendency to experiment. I'd love to say something profoundly serious about the Rife treatment but all I can dredge up is, I think this thing might work, and if it doesn't work, it'll make dying easier since it's great for stopping pain and could also make a lot of random prescription medications unnecessary. The machine I bought is not the best and not the worse but seems to meet the minimum criteria for effectiveness. But learning which frequencies to use, that could take some effort, time, and intuition. There are detailed frequency lists online and cross-reference lists, but there are also different veins of thought as to which protocols are best. The online Rife discussions get downright technical and some people even build their own machine based on certain specifications. 

The house we moved into was built in 1940. It has such charm and character and a peacefulness about it. I love hearing birds singing in the crazy overgrown area outside our back fence and we have a multitude of wild blackberry bushes to make jam this summer. As usual my daughter and I have about 15 ongoing projects each so we're always busy. At the end of the day I'm asleep in about 5 minutes. 

feeling kind of crafty lately so I made these magnets for my bulletin board

Lucy walking me in the park

another crafty moment caused these sun catchers to appear on our back porch

 The Kombucha Tea is wonderful. Here it is in a continuous brew jar. That's an electric seedling heat mat wrapped around to keep it warm so it will keep fermenting.

We're going to plant snap peas along that back fence soon.

I'm working on my Etsy Shop for about 2 hrs a day. It currently generates about 600.00 a month income and allows me to buy organic food and supplements. It's fun and relaxing to work with jewelry findings.

 This is the nicest little park to walk in. It also has a frisbee golf course so sometimes a disc unexpectedly flies by.