Monday, November 26, 2012

Alex Grey & The Law Of One

"One of the primal distortions of the Law of One is that of healing. Healing occurs when a mind/body/spirit complex realizes, deep within itself, the Law of One; that is, that there is no disharmony, no imperfection; that all is complete and whole and perfect. Thus, the intelligent infinity within this mind/body/spirit complex re-forms the illusion of body, mind, or spirit to a form congruent with the Law of One. The healer acts as energizer or catalyst for this completely individual process."

it's a tough job. I'm still in the first frame. 

I worked as a massage therapist in the 90's.  Before attending the classes I thought, I will never ever be able to be in the same room with a naked man I don't know under a sheet, no, I could not picture that. But, one day the connections and understandings kicked in and it became something I excelled at, and really enjoyed. 

I learned a lot from my clients. One was a vietnam vet who had suffered jungle rot to his feet. A very quiet man and the whole time he was getting his massage he had the best little smile on his face, as if he was thinking, I've been through living hell, but here I am, ha. 

I learned a lot about the power of touch and intention. And I learned that we all want the same basic things; comfort, acceptance, connection, a way to heal.   

Friday, November 23, 2012

Rick Simpson Cannabis Oil: 3 weeks

I've been using the cannabis oil for 3 weeks, and am halfway through my third gram-size vial. Increasing the dose causes me to want to rest or sleep a lot, it's a nice feeling considering I do need the rest, but it's difficult to get things done feeling sleepy. I don't think I'll be able to increase the dose much  more, but maybe I'll build a tolerance and it will be possible. I have to be able to work 3-4 hours per day, plus grocery shop, cook, clean, etc.  lately it takes more willpower to get through each day. I'm tired and the back strain made things a lot more difficult in recent weeks. 

I've been having sporadic intense itching in the breast area and substantial pain every once in a while...last night was pain or itch all night. But the redness is reduced and visually things look better.
My appetite is not that good, more for emotional than physical reasons. My weight is at 120 lbs. 
 I'll continue to use the "Rick Simpson oil', and increase the dose as I can. 

Monday, November 19, 2012

Rented a room and here I am. Still using the cannabis oil, one gram per week. It's very relaxing;  too early to tell what effect it's having on the cancer. But, most of my aches and strains from moving have resolved, except for the lower back which at least hurts a lot less, and I'm sleeping very well.

The full protocol with the cannabis oil requires dedicated time and space. Alkaline diet, juicing, therapeutic baths, lots of other stuff. I'm not in a space where I can do that yet, and over the last few months the cancer seems to be worsening quickly. It's spreading up my left chest and shoulder in an alarming way, but not to the other breast. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to punt with no real healthcare and not following a complete protocol. Maybe I'll find out.

The holidays are approaching and with them a recording in my heart starts playing scenes from the last months of my husband's life. I don't reach for them, they just arrive on schedule, every year. I try to replace those memories with other happy memories but it has not completely worked yet. I should just plan on crying every year from November through January. But that doesn't make for a cheerful holiday demeanor so stuffing it appears to be in order.  Which usually calls for some chocolate, cookies, and maybe even some ice cream. Ok stuffing it could kill me. I'm pretty sure that's what happened last year when things suddenly worsened and my arm swelled, right after Christmas.  It didn't help that I was staying at my lunatic uncle's house in Sacramento, who was busy bouncing off the walls..when I'm  upset I crave sweets. comfort food. a really bad idea these days, or I don't eat at all, and bad energy tends to make me nauseous.  I better go check my self-discipline account and see if there's anything left in there. 

Rented a room and here I am. Still using the cannabis oil, one gram per week. It's very relaxing, but too early to tell whether it's stopping the cancer. 

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Got The Cannabis Oil

This is my first day of using the Cannabis oil. It's a thick resin that's removed from the bottle with a toothpick. The starting dose is a tiny amount, a smidgeon on the end of the toothpick. I took the first dose about 30 minutes ago and noticed it has an almost immediate muscular relaxation effect on the entire body, and yes, pain is lessened. yeigh. Looks like I'll get some sleep tonight. 

The moving process completely thrashed my back. I can't lift much with the swollen arm so I used my right arm to lift which produced a strain to the right side of my back. Then I pulled a muscle in the left leg so I was hobbling around using the right arm to take weight off the injured left leg, which resulted in more strain to the right side. I didn't have a cane so I used a mop as a cane, should've got a picture of that. By time we got done I could barely move in any direction. I'm positive my spine is completely out of alignment. I lost some weight, which is not good. The cancer responded to all the stress, late nights, and increased work by accelerating rabidly. It's looking pretty scary. 

I haven't found a new place yet. It doesn't seem like people are real excited to rent to a 56 year old woman with breast cancer. I wonder why. ha. I could keep that to myself but it's such a part of my life now that it seems pointless and tiresome to hide it. And since my arm is noticeably swollen, I'd have to lie about that. I hate lying. It's too distracting. Renting a room has issues as well. When a room is rented in someone else's home, it's like being immersed in someone else's life. That can also be very distracting. I like things at home to be simple, functional, comfortable. Things like blaring tv's and bad housekeeping habits make me nervous. (There are not that many people I want to share a bathroom with, either.)  The whole roommate thing just doesn't work at this age. 

Nevertheless, I have to make a decision in the next few weeks. A place to complete the healing process or a place to complete the dying process. My household things are all in storage, so at this point I could go in either direction. My first choice is to heal, but life being what it is, it's hard to predict how things will change from here. 

2nd day Update 11/02/2012 : I took 3 doses of the oil yesterday and today. In just 24 hours, the difference in my level of pain has gone from 7-9 to about 4-5.  (scale of 1-10) I had no pain in my lymphedema arm today at all, I can walk a little easier, and I feel calmer. I don't feel much of an intoxicated effect, far less than a pain killer or a glass of wine in fact.

3rd day Update 11/03/2012 : Felt very relaxed all day, sleepy, content to be still. My arm is a little less swollen, a lot more comfortable, and I haven't had pain all day, except for the lower back which is still pretty thrashed.

I learned a new word today. "Insha'Allah" which means, by the Grace of God, or God willing.